Hello friends,
I hope you're doing well. Below is an essay originating from my work as a hospital chaplain. I hope it is helpful to you.
Humbly,
Joshua
As a hospital chaplain, there was a conversation I had with patients that came up time and time again.
Most often, it was older men moving into a phase in their lives where they couldn't do the things they used to and would need help in the daily acts of living. One of those I met was a cancer patient, probably around 70 years old.
He was an incredibly kind man and an obvious complement to his spirited and loquacious wife. She filled the room, and he happily ceded the space, chiming in to confirm details of her playful antics.
Chief among those being her role as grandma to a niche local sporting community.
From what I could gather, they cared well for this group. Often helping organize charity events to aid those in need.
They were telling me so much about it because the community was returning the favor. They had organized an event to help pay for his medical bills.
At one point, the wife left the room, and I had a moment alone with the patient. Her presence was great; it seemed to uplift him. But I could tell that when she was there, his focus was on her—so I wasn't going to find anything out about how he was really doing until she left. Now that she had, I took the opportunity.
After a few questions, and a decent amount of silence, he began to open up. He wasn't worried about the cancer itself all that much. His main worry (shown poignantly by the tears that started to fall as he talked about it) was that he would be a burden to those around him. He was no longer going to be able to take care of others. He would have to be taken care of.
I don't remember if he said this, but I had many patients in these scenarios express that they would rather go ahead and pass than impose in that way upon those close to them.
To a degree, I understand this sentiment. I am loathe to impose upon anyone, even for the most minor things. I hate being sick, in large part because someone has to take care of me. I'll push through a lot before asking for help.
What I tried to express to this man, and the many others wrestling with this newfound reality, is that this is part of being human. We get to take care of each other. At times, you are the one caring, and at others, you are the one being cared for. You are simply now entering the latter phase, and that's okay.
He had spent much time caring for others throughout his life. And he got a lot of joy from it. It was now time to let others take the reins, let them care for him in the way he cared for them. In reality, those around him would be happy to do it. They love him, and that's what you do for those you love. The charity event was evidence of this reality.
After all these conversations, I thought about the idea of being a "burden" a lot. The word has so much of a negative connotation. Burden = bad, end of story.
Think for a moment about the word, though. It's a word about physical things that we have ported over to refer metaphorically to things emotional and relational. Regarding the emotional and relational, "burden" is always bad. Interestingly, though, when thinking about the physical, burdens are usually carried because we choose to carry them. We carry the backpack, for example, because it contains things we value.
For some reason, when we use the word about the emotional and relational, we forget the good that comes with a burden.
In the past, the word burden was used for a child—a truth that couldn't illustrate my point more perfectly. My main job right now is caring for our newborn. She is a massive burden; one I couldn't be happier to carry.
The reality is, to be human is to be a burden. We are fragile creatures taking up space in a finite world. That's part of the beauty of our being. We are dependent—on each other, on the earth itself, and on God. Our dependence is not something to be avoided but embraced, lived into.
I think part of the reason we hate being a burden is that we have internalized our modern individualist ideals. True humanity, in this view, is to be perfectly independent.
That's a false idol, luring us away from others into an empty, solipsistic existence.
Even God chose to be a burden, a child utterly dependent on others. To think that we could, or should, avoid that fate is ludicrous. It's who we are, and God is with us in it.
You are a burden. And that's okay.
Some days, or seasons, you'll be more of a burden than others. Just take the opportunity to carry the load when you can—and be grateful when you have others who love you and are willing to carry you when you need it.